"Inherit The Spin"

"The Players"

Karl Rove - Master spinner, known as the architect by the president. Tells the president what to do when the president gets confused.

Dick Cheney - The real power in the White House. Doesn't have to tell the president what to do, but keeps the president informed as to what he is doing. Once quoted as saying "Who the hell is Karl Rove?"

Scott McClellan - Spokesman for the president. Hates Karl Rove for making him look like a dick in front of reporters.

Jeff Gannon - Gay prostitute posing as a White House reporter. In love with Karl Rove.

George W. Bush - Figurehead president. Aloof and at ease. Quoted as saying, "If Karl Rove has done something wrong in the White House, I'm confident Karl Rove will get to the bottom of it. Because we were attacked on 9/11. I am a war-time president. Weapons of mass destruction. Thank you. God bless America."


Act I
scene I
Setting: The oval office.


Rove - I can't believe that fucking Jew bastard agreed to turn over those fucking emails implicating me. I remember when spinning meant winning. I could spin at will, and nary an eye blinked. That's how the game's been played here in Washington for years and years. That fucking Joe Wil-

Cheney - Can it Rove! You should have let Scooter do the leaking. You should have known better.

Rove - But it was double secret deep, deep background information. Off the record. Like all spin. How was I-

Cheney - I can fix this. But you have to start listening for a change. You have to start doing what I say. Starting with shutting the fuck up right now!

Bush - Guys, guys, you know I hate it when you two fight. Let's just calm down.

Rove & Cheney - Shut up W!

Bush - I'm just trying to help.

(enter Scott McClennan, angry, agitated, scowling at Rove)

McClennan - (incredulously) Oh, hi Karl. Say um, have you seen my ass? I know I had it this morning, before those fuckers in the press room kicked the shit out of it! How could you?! How could you leave me twisting in the wind like that?
Have you ever heard the term "plausible deniability?"

Rove - Have you ever heard the term "expendable?"
Cause you are.

McClennan - (being physically restrained by Cheney and Bush) You sonofabitch! I'll kill you!

Cheney - Scott! Calm the fuck down! I can fix this goddamnit!

Bush - (puts his arm around Scott) Listen, if there's anything at all I can do, let Karl know and he will arrange it.

McClennan - (breaking away from Bush, sitting on couch, head in his hands, sobbing) Why? Why me God?

Bush - (looks at Karl) He's not mad at me is he? (to Cheney) Why is he mad at me? What did you guys do? Where's Laura?

McClennan - She's in Africa. (to no one in particular) Goddamn, he doesn't even know where his own wife is.

Rove - Listen, Scott, I know it was rough out there today. And it's going to be like that for a while. (pacing now) This works to our advantage now. Don't you see - liberal media bias (bending down to McClennan) Don't you see Scott? We play the law and order card. We tell them yes we are cooperating. No we can't comment during the investigation.

Cheney - We play up the fact that this Wilson guy was a partisan. This wife of his a low-level analyst. It was really no big deal you see

Rove - I didn't really give up her name as an undercover operative anyway. The more the press questions, the more we can shrug off. Our base knows where we coming from with this.

Bush - So if she's in Africa - why is she in Africa again?

Cheney - (clapping hands) Hey, cowboy! Focus! Laura's fine, she'll be home tomorrow.

McClennan - (springs up from the couch, angry again pointing at Bush) This is who we are protecting?!? I mean, what kind of men have we become. We protect this fucking nit-wit, and for what? A bunch of Goddamn lies?
We know the yellow cake story was bullshit. The whole war was bullshit.

Bush - It was? Karl?

Cheney - (to McClennan) Shut your goddamn mouth. (motions to Rove, Rove quickly dials security)

(four well dressed agents enter the oval office, quickly subduing a bewildered Scott McClennan. One of the agents pulls out a hypodermic needle injects McClennan. McClennan goes limp and is carried out.)

Bush - (after a brief silence) Look, guys, I'm not doing the daily press briefings. I'm just not going to do it.

Cheney - We have that taken care of.

Karl - Yes, someone you are familiar with. Someone, very close to my heart.

(enter Jeff Gannon.)

Gannon - (to Bush, kneeling) Mr. President, I am here to answer the clarion call. I will be your most loyal servant. (to Cheney) Thank you sir, for giving me this opportunity.(to Rove, smiling broadly, taking both hands in his, looking serenely into Roves eyes) I will not let you down Rovey, eh, I mean, Mr. Rove. (both men lauhging like school girls.)

Cheney - (to Bush) So you see sir, we are on top of this thing.

Gannon - And I love to be on top!

Cheney - Can it twinkle toes!

(after a brief pause, curtain comes down on Act I as all men stare at the audience, laughing hysterically)

"Inherit The Spin" Act II

The Players

Judith Miller - Jailed New York Times reporter. Wrote lots of articles backing up the administrations claims of WMD in Iraq. Turned out to be complete bullshit.

Matt Cooper - Reporter for Time magazine who sang like a bird rather than go to jail.

Donald Rumsfeld - Secretary of Defense, chief architect of the less is more school of invasion. Also came up with the "these guys attacked us, so let's attack these other guys" doctrine.

Gitmo Guard #1 - South African mercenary, just here for the money, and here to watch you squirm.

Gitmo Guard #2 - Conscientious US Marine, appalled at some of the things he's seen. Reported what he saw to the FBI investigators

Robert Novak - Spineless party hack. Takes his orders from Rove. But will do anything to save his own skin.

(Setting: Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. US detention facility.)

Act II Scene I

(Guards drag a still limp Scott McClellan into a cell with Judy Miller. Miller rushes over to check on McClennan)

Miller - Scott McClennan? Is that you? What are you doing here?

McClennan - (still dazed) Huh, where am I?(attempts to sit up)

Miller - Welcome to Cuba, my friend. Gitmo to be exact.

McClennan - What? Why here?

Miller - Because, Scott. Because they can. They can hold us here for as long as they want. They don't even have to charge us with a crime.

McClennan - They can just keep us here?

Miller - Yes. (hears footsteps) Shhhh (whispering) Pretend you're asleep.

Guard #1 - Ah, I see we have a new guest! And who might you be?

McClennan - Uh, hello, I'm Scott. Scott McClennan. And I'm not sure I'm...

Guard - ...supposed to be here, right. Yes well, I assure you, you're in the right place.

(off stage a lot of commotion, the sound of soldiers being called to attention. Enter Donald Rumsfeld with guard #2)

Guard #2 - A-ten-hut!

(guard #1 snaps to attention)

Rumsfeld - (slowly walks toward guard #1, smiling slightly, pointing his finger) You know, you're not an American soldier, so you don't really have to do that.

Guard #1 - Sorry sir, habit.

Rumsfeld - (to guard #1, waving hand dismissively) Go away now.

Guard #1 - Yes sir. (quickly exits stage left)

McClennan - Thank God you're here Don. The last thing I remember, I was in the oval office, and then all of the sudden felt dizzy. Was there another attack? How did I end up here? Was it for my own safety?

Rumsfeld - (looking around in the cell, ignoring McClennan, speaks to Judy) Everything OK with you Judy?

Miller - Yes Mr Secretary, everything's fine.

Rumsfeld - How's the food?

Miller - The orange chicken is to die for, but the peas were a little over cooked. All in all, a typical meal for a red-stater.

Rumsfeld - Not like the usuall New York haute cuisine you're used to I take it?

Miller - No sir, but I'm not complaining, I'm a team player.

Rumsfeld - I know you are, and that's why I'm here.

McClennan - Hey, Don, what about me?!

Rumsfeld - (pauses, still smiling, a touch annoyed eyes McClennan) You know Scott, I am going to get to you. You just don't know when to shut up do you? I suppose that's why you are here in the first place.

(McClennan sits down bewildered)

Rumsfeld - (speaking to Judy) Well, if you were to get out of here, you would be tempted to write a story about how the conditions here aren't so bad, isn't that right?

Miller - Yes Mr Secretary, of course. I carried the water on WMD's in Iraq, and I can certainly carry the water on Gitmo.

Rumsfeld - I knew we could count on you. (to guard #2) Let her out.

Miller - Oh, thank you sir. Thank you thank you thank you!

Rumsfeld - Remember our little deal.

Miller - Absolutely, all the news that's fit to print.

Rumsfeld - With a liberal bias no less! (everyone breaks into laughter, Miller exits the cell and exits stage right)

(everyone except McClennan stops laughing, all eyes on him now, his laughing becomes more muted now)

Rumsfeld - So you don't think it's important that we protect the president?
(silence)

Rumsfeld - I find your attitude, noticeably unhelpful.
Karl told me about your little outburst in Washington.
You used to be on our side. What happened?

McClennan - (staring at the floor) I - don't know - I - I just can't - the lies, all the lies...

Rumsfeld - You see Scott, that's your problem. You know how we do things. We create our own reality. Things like the truth, lies, these are quaint ideas, like the Geneva convention. We say what the truth is, what reality is.

McClennan - I'm just not sure anymore. I just...

Rumsfeld - Yes Scott. Yes we know. And that's why we brought you here. For re-education. You seem to have forgotten some things. Some things that you were taught early on in this administration. But our friends here will help you. (walking away, motioning to guard #1 who passes Rumsfeld on his way out.)

Rumsfeld - (voice off stage) We're trying to help you Scott.

Guard #1 - (staring at McClennan cowering in his cell) I don't care why you are here. It is of no concern for me. (As he speaks two workers set up a large television and dvd player in front of McClennan's cell.)

Guard #1 - First we will soften you up a bit. I will play you this very special movie, we use on our worst offenders. The ones who don't think they belong here. After a day or two of this, you will realize our point of view. Either way, I shall enjoy watching you suffer. (the workers finish setting up the television, as they walk away, the Maria Carey movie "Glitter" comes on at an uncomfortably loud volume)

McClennan - (hands over both ears, screaming now) Nooooooo! Goddamn you Rumsfeld!! Noooooo! Please! Stop it! Stop it now! AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh!

(curtain goes down on Act II scene one with McClennan thrashing about his cell, crying and screaming)

scene two coming soon

"Inherit The Spin" Act II scene two:

setting: White House, oval office
(The president, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Jeff Gannon, Judith Miller, Robert Novak, Mathew Cooper, are gathered in the Oval Office, Rove is about to propose a toast, but Cheney is still worried.)

Rove - (raises glass) First of all, I would like to thank Judy, for all the spinning she has done for us over the years. It's reporters like her who make our job of lying and obsfucation so much easier. (downs glass)

All - (toasting in approval) Here! Here!

Novak - (raise a glass) To the flagship of the liberal media bias, the New York Times!(tosses his drink back)

Miller - (just before she drinks) All the news thats fit to print!
(everyone struggling not to spill their drinks as they laugh)

Bush - I guess since I'm the president I should say something. (looks around at Cheney and Rove for approval)

Bush - (after approval from Rove) Well, I, I , I, got to say. You know, we got a pretty good team - Karl and Dick and Scott and...

Cheney - (interrupting) OK sport, we understand, that will be all...

Bush - (looking at Karl) What? (suddenly realizing) Oh! I mean Jeff, yes the new member of the team. (pauses awkwardly, looks to Cheney) Can I go ride my bike now?

Cheney - Yes, but be sure and wear your helmet.

Rove - (whispering to Cheney) How much has he had to drink?

Cheney - He'll be fine, the guys will keep a close eye on him.

Rove - (to Gannon)Make sure no reporters are hanging around outside. We don't want anymore crashes on the nightly news.

Gannon - (salutes effeminately) Yessss sir! (Cheney rolls eyes as the rest chuckle)
(Gannon and Bush exit stage right)

Cheney (to Rove) What are your sources telling you about Valerie and Joe, what are they up to?

Rove - Well sir, I have to say, something strange is definitely up. The Wilson's seem to be communicating with the Clinton orginization more and more.

Cheney - (smashes glass on the floor) Goddamnit! It's worse than we thought!

Cooper - You know, I've been hearing some strange things too. (pouring another drink, stuffing a doughnut in his mouth.) Joe and Valerie doing lots of behind the scenes fundraising. Spending the night in Massapequa, wife swapping....

Rove - I heard there's been a little girl on girl action.

Miller - (to Cheney) Would you like me to write a front page story in the New York Times exposing Bill Clinton as an adulterer?

(everyone stares at her dumbfounded)

Miller - Oh! Wait, that's actually true, what was I thinking?

Cheney - There's something more here.

Rove - I sense a disturbance in the force. Something I haven't felt for a long, long time.

Cheney - Don't start with that shit again...(grabs throat, struggles to breath)

Rove - I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Cooper - (to Rove) Are you doing that!

Rove - No!, He's probably having a heart attack! Alert the secret service!

(Gannon rushes in)

Gannon - The president fell off his bike! He busted his head open, they took him to Bethesda!

(agents rush in take Cheney off on a stretcher)

Cooper - Who's in charge of the country now?

Novak - I think the Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert is next in line...

Rove - No! I'm in charge now!(picks up the phone) Lock down the White House, don't allow anyone in or out. (to Gannon) No statements to the media!

Gannon - (pointing to Cooper, Miller and Novak) What about these guys?

Rove - (smiling) Oh they're not going anywhere.

Gannon - (rushes over to Rove) I just knew you were the guy for me! This is so exciting! (pauses, then gets more excited) This means I am the FIRST LADY!
(kisses Rove, dances around) Well, the first thing I'm going to do is get rid of those awful drapes Laura put up in the Lincoln bedroom. And then..

Rove - Jeff, listen. This things not over, and we don't know how long we will be in charge. So let's not get ahead of ourselves.

(phone rings, Jeff answers)

Gannon - Hello. (eyes widened) Yes. Yes sir, I see. I will tell him.

Gannon - (afraid, speaking slowly) That was, (pauses) Bill Clinton!

Rove - Oh Shit!

Gannon - He said he's on to you, and he won't allow you to get away with your take over of the government.

Rove - We'll just see about this. (picks up the phone) Get me Matt Drudge on the line...

Cooper - (to the other reporters) What's happening to our constitutional democracy?

Novak - I think it's doing just fine, don't you. I mean, after all we haven't been attacked since 9/11. Isn't that more important than the constitution?

Miller - Yeah, I don't know about you, but I'd rather be alive than free.

Rove - (puts his arm around Cooper) Yes, we will protect you, you just do as you're told.

Gannon - (removes Rove's arm from Cooper's shoulder, inserts himself underneath Rove's arm) I know I feel safer.

Cooper - (looking towards the audience) Maybe Scott was right. Maybe the truth does matter.

(curtain closes on Act II as thunder and lightning erupt outside the windows of the White House)

stay tuned for the third and final act....coming soon.

Inherit The Spin Act III scene one

(Cheney and Bush are sharing a room at Bethesda Naval Hospital. They've been there for three days, and they have both been unconcious. Rove has given strict instructions that they not be told that he has put himself in charge. Cheney has awaken and is reading the New York Times. On the front page is an article by Judith Miller about Gitmo)

Cheney - (laying in the hospital bed, reading, laughing to himself) That's my girl. See, you bleeding hearts, Gitmo is not so bad, it says so right here in the New York Times.
(hears Bush starting to wake up)

Bush - (begining to wake up, still groggy, trying to open his eyes) Laura? Is that you Laura? Oh, my head...

Cheney - You awake Mr. President?

Bush - (opening eyes fully now) Dick? What are you doing here? Where's Laura? Where are we?

Cheney - You fell off your bike - again. You're in the hospital, apparently still alive. I think I had another heart attack. We need to get a hold of Karl, and let him know we are OK. If I know that fucker, he probably locked down the White House,and is pretending to run the country now.

Unidentified voice - It's worse than you think, Dick.

Cheney - Who's there? Karl? Scooter?

(a man walks in dressed as a surgeon complete with surgical mask obscuring his face. he moves quickly towards Cheney and Bush)

Unidentied man - We don't have much time guys, this things getting out of control.

Cheney - You're not the doctor! How'd you get in here!

(the man takes off the mask, revealing who he is: Joe Wilson)

Wilson - It seems there has been an attempted coup by Rove. He hasn't told anyone that you and the president are in the hospital. And now, he's preparing another invasion.

Bush - An invasion? (scratches head) But doctor, if there was an invasion, I'm certain I would have known about it.

Wilson - (to Cheney) Is he serious?

Cheney - Just ignore him, he's fallen off his bike one to many times. Now tell me about this plot. How did you learn of it.

(enter Valerie Plame dressed as a nurse)

Plame - I told him.

Bush - Excuse me, nurse, could I get some juice please?

Cheney - (waves to Plame to pay no attention) Now how the hell did you get in here? Is there ANY security at all for me and the president. Jesus Christ!

Plame - Listen Dick, the biggest threat to your securtiy is that maniac Rove. He's the biggest threat to the whole countries security, believe me, I know.

Wilson - Right now, it just appears that Rove is the only major White House staffer involved.

Plame - Well, him and Gannon.

Cheney - Gannon! He just wants to be close to Rove. He's got a thing for him you know.

Wilson and Plame - We know.

Bush - Gannon, that name sounds familiar.

Wilson - (ignoring Bush) Rove has raised the terror alert to code red, he has told the White House press corp the two of you are at an undisclosed location.

Bush - I'm pretty sure we're in the hospital.

Cheney - (rolls eyes) Listen to me George, we're in a serious situation here. Remember "The Very Hungry Caterpillar?"

Bush (looking fearful) Yes.

Cheney - That's the kind of trouble we are in.

Bush - Are we going to Nebraska?

Cheney - I don't know what we are going to do. (looks to Wilson and Plame) What's the plan guys.

Wilson - Well, the first thing we do, is get you two back to the White House.

Plame - But we need to do it in such a way so as to surprise Rove and Gannon so they don't get away.

Wilson - And with the White House in lock-down it will be difficult to get in. But I know a secret way.

Cheney - What?

Plame - (hits Wilson, turns to Cheney) Never mind that now. First we got to get you out of here. (hands a bag to Cheney and Bush) Here, put these on.

(Cheney and Bush start pulling items out of the bags. brightly colored wigs, big red noses, extra large, floppy shoes)

Cheney - Clown outfits! No fucking way!

Plame - You'll have to, it's the only way to get past your own security.

Wilson - We don't know who's working for Rove and who's not.

Bush - (laughing) Now I like this. This is an idea I can get behind. Who makes clown shoes anyway?

Cheney - Just put it on and shut up.

Wilson - Hurry guys, there's not much time

(Cheney and Bush finish dressing quickly, and are led off stage by Wilson and Plame. End scene one.)

Myopia Can Kill You

To a lot of people in America, these attacks in London are the first attacks since 9/11. They see the war in Iraq as "taking the fight to them." It's no surprise why people believe this. They are told this on a daily basis by the Bush administration. They point confidently to the fact they we haven't been attacked since, as proof that this strategy is working. Nevermind the fact that Saddam hated Osama and Osama hated Saddam.

There certainly are terrorist in Iraq now, who cross the border daily with Saudia Arabia, Iran, and Syria. Yes they come to fight the Americans. But they also come to learn. Now we are starting to see the same type of improvised explosives used in Iraq showing up in Afghanistan. Safer indeed.

Just for the record, here are a list of terrorist attacks perpetrated since we "took the fight to them" in Iraq in March 2003.

1. May 12, 2003 - Four explosions rock Riyadh, in an attack on compounds housing Americans, other Westerners and Saudis. The attack kills 35 people, including eight Americans.

2. August 5, 2003 - A suicide bomber kills 12 and injures 150 at the J.W. Marriott hotel in Jakarta, Indonesia.

3. November 15, 2003 - Twin car bombs explode outside two synagogues in Istanbul, Turkey, killing 23 plus the two bombers.

4. November 20, 2003 - Trucks packed with explosives detonate at a London-based bank and the British consulate in Instanbul, Turkey, killing more than two dozen people and wounding nearly 450.

5. March 11, 2004 - An attack on four commuter trains in Madrid killed 191 people and injured more than 1,600.

6. July 7, 2005 - London.

7. ?

Happy Birthday America!

"May it be to the world, what I believe it will be (to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all) the signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish ignorance and superstition had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of self-government. All eyes are opened or are opening to the rights of man. The general spread of the light of science has already laid open to every view the palpable truth, that the mass of mankind has not been born with saddles on their backs, nor a favored few, booted and spurred ready to ride them legitimately by the grace of God. These are the grounds of hope for others; for ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollection of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them."

- Thomas Jefferson