Saturday, July 16, 2005

"Inherit The Spin"

"The Players"

Karl Rove - Master spinner, known as the architect by the president. Tells the president what to do when the president gets confused.

Dick Cheney - The real power in the White House. Doesn't have to tell the president what to do, but keeps the president informed as to what he is doing. Once quoted as saying "Who the hell is Karl Rove?"

Scott McClellan - Spokesman for the president. Hates Karl Rove for making him look like a dick in front of reporters.

Jeff Gannon - Gay prostitute posing as a White House reporter. In love with Karl Rove.

George W. Bush - Figurehead president. Aloof and at ease. Quoted as saying, "If Karl Rove has done something wrong in the White House, I'm confident Karl Rove will get to the bottom of it. Because we were attacked on 9/11. I am a war-time president. Weapons of mass destruction. Thank you. God bless America."

Act I
scene I
Setting: The oval office.

Rove - I can't believe that fucking Jew bastard agreed to turn over those fucking emails implicating me. I remember when spinning meant winning. I could spin at will, and nary an eye blinked. That's how the game's been played here in Washington for years and years. That fucking Joe Wil-

Cheney - Can it Rove! You should have let Scooter do the leaking. You should have known better.

Rove - But it was double secret deep, deep background information. Off the record. Like all spin. How was I-

Cheney - I can fix this. But you have to start listening for a change. You have to start doing what I say. Starting with shutting the fuck up right now!

Bush - Guys, guys, you know I hate it when you two fight. Let's just calm down.

Rove & Cheney - Shut up W!

Bush - I'm just trying to help.

(enter Scott McClennan, angry, agitated, scowling at Rove)

McClennan - (incredulously) Oh, hi Karl. Say um, have you seen my ass? I know I had it this morning, before those fuckers in the press room kicked the shit out of it! How could you?! How could you leave me twisting in the wind like that?
Have you ever heard the term "plausible deniability?"

Rove - Have you ever heard the term "expendable?"
Cause you are.

McClennan - (being physically restrained by Cheney and Bush) You sonofabitch! I'll kill you!

Cheney - Scott! Calm the fuck down! I can fix this goddamnit!

Bush - (puts his arm around Scott) Listen, if there's anything at all I can do, let Karl know and he will arrange it.

McClennan - (breaking away from Bush, sitting on couch, head in his hands, sobbing) Why? Why me God?

Bush - (looks at Karl) He's not mad at me is he? (to Cheney) Why is he mad at me? What did you guys do? Where's Laura?

McClennan - She's in Africa. (to no one in particular) Goddamn, he doesn't even know where his own wife is.

Rove - Listen, Scott, I know it was rough out there today. And it's going to be like that for a while. (pacing now) This works to our advantage now. Don't you see - liberal media bias (bending down to McClennan) Don't you see Scott? We play the law and order card. We tell them yes we are cooperating. No we can't comment during the investigation.

Cheney - We play up the fact that this Wilson guy was a partisan. This wife of his a low-level analyst. It was really no big deal you see

Rove - I didn't really give up her name as an undercover operative anyway. The more the press questions, the more we can shrug off. Our base knows where we coming from with this.

Bush - So if she's in Africa - why is she in Africa again?

Cheney - (clapping hands) Hey, cowboy! Focus! Laura's fine, she'll be home tomorrow.

McClennan - (springs up from the couch, angry again pointing at Bush) This is who we are protecting?!? I mean, what kind of men have we become. We protect this fucking nit-wit, and for what? A bunch of Goddamn lies?
We know the yellow cake story was bullshit. The whole war was bullshit.

Bush - It was? Karl?

Cheney - (to McClennan) Shut your goddamn mouth. (motions to Rove, Rove quickly dials security)

(four well dressed agents enter the oval office, quickly subduing a bewildered Scott McClennan. One of the agents pulls out a hypodermic needle injects McClennan. McClennan goes limp and is carried out.)

Bush - (after a brief silence) Look, guys, I'm not doing the daily press briefings. I'm just not going to do it.

Cheney - We have that taken care of.

Karl - Yes, someone you are familiar with. Someone, very close to my heart.

(enter Jeff Gannon.)

Gannon - (to Bush, kneeling) Mr. President, I am here to answer the clarion call. I will be your most loyal servant. (to Cheney) Thank you sir, for giving me this opportunity.(to Rove, smiling broadly, taking both hands in his, looking serenely into Roves eyes) I will not let you down Rovey, eh, I mean, Mr. Rove. (both men lauhging like school girls.)

Cheney - (to Bush) So you see sir, we are on top of this thing.

Gannon - And I love to be on top!

Cheney - Can it twinkle toes!

(after a brief pause, curtain comes down on Act I as all men stare at the audience, laughing hysterically)


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