Sunday, July 11, 2004

The Blank Dot of Self-Expression

Sometimes it would be nice if our emotions were like the period at the end of a sentence. Obvious, in plain sight, and not over-bearing. I have this problem of focusing too much on one thing. Focusing to a point, a dot, a blank dot. Now this creates an illusion of no emotion, or too much of one emotion. This brings on a stasis in your expression, your mood, and the tension created feeds on itself. It becomes a vortex, you can't get out of. You tell yourself you're really not like this. And you worry, will I feel normal again? What does this blank dot say about me? About who I am? Is this the real normal me? And the rest of the time I'm just faking the normalness?
So in this state, the blank dot makes you appear in a zombie-like state, or obsessive and agitated. People do notice that something is wrong, and in turn you avoid people. You make up an excuse not to go somewhere. You let the phone ring. You tell your folks you're working and can't make it. The short term relief is quickly overtaken by guilt. The vortex continues. At this point you start to worry. Some people drink. (guilty) Some people sleep or just lay in bed. (guilty) Some people eat. (guilty) Or sometimes you can't eat. However this behavior manifest itself, it's not healthy. And it helps maintain the blank dot. The blank dot of self-expression is depression, and it happens to everybody I know, every once in a while. And it's happening to me now. Writing is the only way I know to get over it. Talking to friends sometimes helps, but I don't want to be diagnosed and given advice. And if you don't feel better right away, then it becomes a whole thing about, "why don't you just get over it" or they make a bigger deal than it really is. So I write. Ordinarily, this wouldn't see the light of day. The best blogs aren't the very personal ones, in my view. But I wanted to add something, I haven't updated in a while.
It's amazing how this works, cause I feel better already.
Well, not that good, but, better...


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