Here's What The President Should Say Tonight

My fellow Americans, as you know I have less than a full year left in office. This year Americans are going to the polls to pick my replacement. And I don't mind telling you I know it's a good time to be running for office. Especially this office. When you are president you make $400,000 a year and you get free health care. I'm talking no deductible! You don't wait in traffic. You don't pay rent. You get free cable. And you can listen in on anybody's phone call you want. It's good to be the President, so long as you can be a dictator.

Now, during this last year I pledge to work with the congress to get a few legislative items passed. The most pressing is this: I need immunity from breaking the law. I know when I ordered people in our custody to be tortured I was breaking the law. And when I ignored the FISA court and spied on American cititzens I was breaking the law. So we got to get some legislation passed that will protect me from prosecution once I leave the friendly confines of the White House. Now sure, I broke the law but I meant well. And as President, laws don't really apply to me anyway. Now, I know that and many of you know that but I don't think many in Congress understand that. So we need to send them a message.

And for all you Americans with less than perfect credit who are struggling to make your mortgage payments every month. Let this be a lesson to you. Those adjustable rate mortgages are a real bitch. Now I'll be sending most of you a check this summer. It won't do you any good as far as you being able to stay in your house but you will be able to go out and get that iphone you've had your eye on for the last year.

Let me conclude by going over some of the themes of my presidency. Stem cells and steroids: Bad. Oil and corporate greed: Good. Thank you all and may God continue to Bless these United States of America.